I’ve entered a refreshing season of sorts. I feel more alive in this new place than I have in a long time. I wish that I was posting more on here, but I honestly haven’t had the time to sit down and put thoughts together. But this time, I’m not sorry for that.
Life has a way of moving forward whether I do or not. People and places change, Lord do they change, but I’m learning that as hard as I try – I can’t force things to stay the way they were. There is often comfort in the familiar – but let me tell you, there is excitement in road yet traveled.
I’ve watched answered prayers be handed out left and right, and for months I turned anger inward because I felt that I was left off that list. Each miscarriage would come and go, leaving me to pick myself apart once again at what in the heck was wrong with me that I wasn’t meeting the mark. Can you comprehend how that mind-set can injure a soul? It distorts everything. It damages relationships. It fuels depression. It’s ugly.
But – in the turning of a corner – I can hear it faintly spoken over me. “You, Christy are still beautiful.” Friends may find a better place to share their life moments, an ideal circumstance may be in the rearview mirror, a growing belly with a heartbeat inside may not be MY gift… but in the steps I take forward, I realize – beauty exists there too. Gifts are still given, and a full life still exists!
I allow my eyes to tear up with hope, because it’s been so long since I could let that word roll off my tongue, but it’s a new hope.
It’s hope in a 3-year-old who converses with me in full sentences, because he is THAT big now, and it’s a new place. It’s beautiful.
It’s hope in a husband who has successfully started his own graphic design firm and toils over work turned down because he is that busy. The provision has been beautiful.
It’s hope in a friendship-seed planted on new ground. It’s beautiful and refreshing to be cared about as a first choice friend, to not be the last thought and to just be loved.
It’s hope in entering a gym at 6:00am because the motivation is finally there to take care of a body that has been worn down deep from emotional cries and toddler days and worry-filled moments.
It’s hope in realizing that it’s possible to think that my 30’s could be better than my 20’s.
It’s hope in listing my gifts and realizing that there is One who meets me where I meet the end of myself.
So hold on, I tell you, if you’ve reached a place of hope-less-ness. Stay there for a little bit if you need to, because trust me, I KNOW it’s ok to cry there. But, don’t let the devil tell you that you have to stay. If you can, take your eye off of the one thing your heart desires and let your eyes instead gaze on the things you’ve already been given... joy grows there! Don’t force yourself to be in a place that you may not be wanted – branch out if you have to – there is a lover to be had in every season, and I’m not just talking about a husband lover, I’m talking about a Spiritual lover, and even the very needed friendship one.
They are there. The gifts are there. The chains have already been broken, we just have to step out of them.