Silence in the storm - Part 2

    Click here for the introductory post to this series.

"When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible—with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation."  -Oswald Chambers

~~~~~~~~~~

If you've been following my blog for any period of time then you know that I've been walking through a storm of my own for awhile now.  Some of you may have even followed from the beginning; when the clouds rolled in as our first pregnancy ended at 6 weeks.  Then, only two short months later, the rain poured down over our attempts again as we looked our 2nd miscarriage right in the face.  A year after the birth of our miracle son Isaak, the unexpected storm rolled back in with our third miscarriage and hasn't let up since.  

I've never cried so much in my life.  

The storm has raged - soaking our dreams. 

And if you've still been reading - you know the rains haven't let up.

We've prayed and cried... through the 4th miscarriage and the most recent 5th miscarriage. We've been begging for a chance to breathe and see life NOT death. 

But it hasn't come yet. 

My storm still persists. 

I have asked the hard questions. 

I have doubted things I never thought I would. 

I have felt pain I didn't think existed - and even still, silence remains.

One of the hardest questions I've asked has been: "Why?" ...along with many variations of that question... Why me?  Why so many?  Why the silence? Why no answers?  Well, I don't have the answers - I've just chosen to serve the One who does.  I'm daily reminding myself that I am held in the hands that created me, whether or not He responds in the way I think He should.  With that in mind - here is a little of what I've been learning:

I'm not the first and won't be the last.

Storms are nothing new.  Neither is suffering.  And neither is the silence.  I could spend my whole life searching for the answer to why people experience silence in the darkest times, but I fear I'd be spending my whole life trying to answer the wrong question.  There are some questions we WILL NOT get the answers to this side of heaven, and that might just be one of them.  So, perhaps the best thing to do is change the question to: "How do I respond when it seems like God is silent in my storm?"

One thing that keeps resonating within me as I ask that question is: the reminder that I'm not alone.  I'm not the only one facing a trial, I won't be the last one to face a trial and there are many many others who have walked a road of turmoil long before me.  Look at some scriptures for example:

How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, ’Violence!’ but you do not save?  Habakkuk 1:2

Hear my prayer, O Lord; let my cry come to you. Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress. Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call.  Psalm 102:1-2

My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.  Psalm 22:2

Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”  Mark 4:38

You know what has made the biggest impact on my life as I've walked this difficult road?   The testimony of others.  I've read the stories of people in valleys deeper than mine and yet - there in the middle of it, they've CHOSEN the path of righteousness, a life of faith, the badge of hope; even when I myself can't see any good to come out of it.  Powerful.

If you are facing a storm, and the answers aren't there and they don't seem to be coming... then I challenge you to find godly people who are walking a similar road.  Find godly people who have come out of a similar situation victorious, read about the men/women in Bible who cried out the same prayer you are, let their lives inspire you, let God speak through their story, and I promise you - you will be moved and your faith will be strengthened.

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  Psalm 61:2

Silence in a storm does not necessarily mean you are out of God's will.

So often people think that if God is silent during a trial then they must be out of God's will.  We've all heard the mis-communicated message: "live a Godly life and you're life will be good, step out of God's will and you're life will be bad."  While I agree that there are consequences for sin, I do not agree that a life lived in God's will be free of pain and suffering.  In fact, I think the opposite is sometimes true.  i.e. the life of David, the life of Job, the fiery furnace, the life of Paul, the disciples, our Savior...the list goes on.

The facts are: 1. Bad things will happen. 2. God is still good.

It's possible to be right in the middle of God's will and face the some of the hardest trials.  When that happens, I think our response should shift from asking 'why' bad things are happening to 'how' we should respond in the middle of it.  We should allow the times of silence to prepare us and not see them as punishment.  And even harder - sometimes, all we can do is lift our hands {yes - even in the silence} and worship. Worship through the pain, worship through the silence, just like Paul & Silas did (after being beaten and thrown into prison for DOING God's will).  Worship until the prison doors are opened!

After they (Paul & Silas) had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully.  When he received these orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.  About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.  Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.  Acts 16:24-26

Silence can sometimes exist in order for strength to be born.

“But I have heard strong saints say, ‘Every significant advance I have ever made in grasping the depths of God’s love and growing deep with Him has come through suffering'.” -John Piper from Desiring God.

What if the silence exists for us to realize who IS in control and who CAN be trusted?  There are days that I feel like I could have been sitting in the boat with the disciples that day the storm came up.  I feel like it could have been me that said to Jesus: “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”  There are days that I cry out: "Lord, do you not see what we are going through?  Do you even care? Do you even know I'm here?" 

But could it be... that He trusts us with His silence? Could it be that the most silent and painful days are strengthening us in a way that we'd never be strengthened otherwise?  Could it be that the silence is for a purpose? That maybe - just maybe He really is in control?  It reminds me of a post I published last year about my son getting his vaccinations - what a revelation!

Lately, I have been thinking back to Isaak's 18 month check up. I think about the shots that he got that day. The nurse came in and laid out each needle, and before she could even turn around - he already knew what she was up to. Isaak immediately reached for me to take him away from the "cruelty" he was about to experience, yet once again I had to clench my teeth and hold him down so that everything would go smoothly. With each shot administered, his scream got louder and the most pitiful/tear-filled eyes looked over at me and it was as if he was saying to me, "Mommy, why are you letting her do this to me, please make it stop!" If only, there was a way I could have made his young little mind understand that what the nurse was doing was in his best interest. The vaccinations were something that would help his body fight off even more pain/difficulty down the road. I was letting the nurse do this because I loved him.

I'm walking this road one day at a time. I hope one day to arrive at an intersection - and have the opportunity to walk a different road, but until then I pray that perseverance is born from this walk.  And that when I look back, even through the silence I can say I lived a full life.

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.  Psalm 51:17

Next week, I'll post part 3 of this series... but it will be a bit different.  I will be posting my thoughts on responding to others when they are walking through a storm... what to say/what not to say to those who are experiencing their own silence.  So, check back soon. :)

Lastly, if you are still interested in sharing your story for the end of this series post: "Silence in MY storm", please contact me and let me know.  I have two spots left to fill. :)  You can contact me HERE.

Be blessed.