Number 5

A month is long enough for a hiatus, right?  Either way, it's taken about that long for me to compose a logical thought that wasn't 100% negative or filled with words that have a lot of #@*#&*@ in them.  Hey, I'm just being honest here.

Four weeks ago we were told, yet again that we were having another miscarriage. (that's #5 for those of you who are new readers or those that have lost count) Our baby's heartbeat stopped beating at 9 weeks. 

*If you are pregnant* you probably should stop reading here. really.

The hardest part of the process was that it took my body over 3 weeks to even realize that something wasn't right, so for 3 weeks I waited for the miscarriage to complete.  I cannot accurately describe what that three weeks was like other than complete torture.  My mom and my husband literally carried me through.  For most who have never experienced anything like this have no idea how to react or respond, and rightly so, but this time has left us feeling more hopeless, hurt and damaged than ever.

I should be (while grinning from ear to ear) saying goodbye to the first trimester and welcoming the most fun weeks ahead.  I should have just experienced hearing the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time, but instead my visit to the doctor involved, me, a plastic container and what the doctor calls "products of conception" to which I reply kindly "no, my baby" - that while not very long, lived and had a beating heart.  I saw it with my own eyes 3 times.

It doesn't get any easier.

No matter how many times I go through this.

It get's harder. and harder.

It makes me feel like there is a target aimed at my womb with an arrow that is inscribed: 

"just GIVE UP, it's hopeless.... You are broken."

It hurts in a completely different place when your doctor looks you in the eye and tells you that he's done all he can do, that there is something extremely wrong and we should just count our losses and just "accept" the fact that Isaak was the exception.

I let myself cry for the first time 3 days ago.  The floodgates opened, and it hasn't stopped since.  This is real, and it's happening to us, and whether we like it or not, the world keeps on turning. This is our storm.

Thankfully - people have been interceding for us, and we felt the results of that for the first time yesterday. I don't know if you saw my facebook post last night, but I posted: "Took a deep breath tonight, for the first time in days".  And really, I did.

We spent the evening with a couple, who we'd never met before, but a couple God put in front of us who wanted nothing more than to pray over us, hear our story, encourage us and literally hold up our hands when we felt like we had no strength left.  I can tell you with 100% certainty that we've never been prayed for like that, and I've never physically felt a burden lifted like I did last night.  We've never looked into the eyes of someone we've known for less than a day and felt that they were fighting with us for no other reason than because the love of God poured from their lives. Oh, how we needed that.  God knew we needed that.

And while the diagnosis is still the same, the emptiness is still the same, the anger tries to rise up just same;

Hope was defined before our eyes last night!

Please pray for us. please.

I am looking forward to blogging again, I didn't realize how much I enjoyed it.  It's truly a hobby for me.  And right now, I need all the hobbies I can get.

Thank you for reading through this journey with us - regardless of how messy and ugly it gets.  We were told last night over and over again:

restoration is coming

RESTORATION IS COMING

And in my heart of hearts I hope that you will see that restoration take place along with us.

Be blessed.