I have no title for this post.
I honestly have no idea where this post will go.
But - an update is needed none-the-less.

First, let me fill you in on the present and then I will back up and fill you in on the last 2 months. I am finally in bed after spending most of the evening packing for a trip. A trip that 2 friends and I planned months ago. Little did I know the timeliness of it all. The three of us are hitting the road toward Atlanta in the morning. We are going to a 3 day Jesus Culture Conference. We have been excited for the longest time, but in the last 2 weeks alone, this trip has taken on a whole new meaning. We are going to a conference lead by a group of people who's goal is to ignite a fire in a generation of passionate revivalists who won't stop until the glory of God is revealed.

To describe my feelings I will use the words of my fellow traveler and friend, because she couldn't have said it better:

When we signed up for this conference, (and I feel I can speak for all 3 of us here), I think it started out with more of just a love for Jesus Culture music and a fun trip. I'm not sure we quite grasped what we were getting ourselves into! But now it's clear, I believe. Here we are, 3 women that God literally brought together, all facing similar battles, in desperate need of God's love and mercy in our lives. In desperate need for change and a mess up of any complacency in our Christianity. In desperate need of healing and restoration in our hearts, our minds, relationships, and most of all in our faith in Jesus Christ.

I have no idea what the next 3 days will hold - but all three of us are expecting to see a God ordained 'wrecking ball' come crashing through the self constructed walls and barriers that we have so carefully placed around us. These walls have blinded us to the genuine truth and love that comes with following Christ - and we are ready to be 'wrecked'.

So - let me back up. Remember our cruise? It was a wonderful time away for us - refreshing & eye opening. We came back and the next week had a talk. We decided to start praying about getting pregnant again. A sense of peace came over us both and we truly felt we were ready. Only to find out 2 days later that we were indeed already pregnant. Crazy I know. Many feelings went through us both, but excitement was at the forefront as we tried to push the worry aside. We had our 6 week appointment and saw a sweet 6 week old baby with a strong beating heart. We were elated and slightly relieved. Our plan was to keep this journey to ourselves until after we knew the sex. Three weeks ago we went in for our 9 week appointment, you know, the long one where they tell you everything. Well we finished up the appointment and went in for an ultrasound before we left. We were shocked and devastated when the doctor looked back at us and told us there was no heartbeat. The baby had died a week earlier.





We didn't accept it.
I couldn't.
I felt sick.
We prayed for healing.
We claimed healing.
We claimed life over death.
We begged for a miracle.
I cried. and cried. and cried.

Two weeks later the bleeding began and within 3 days the miscarriage was complete. We have no answers, no idea how it is possible to have 4 miscarriages and 1 completely healthy boy. Our doctor is baffled. I am numb to it all.

But...

We did receive a miracle. A healing. Not the one we had prayed for...but a healing none-the-less. God has moved in our family in such a way, that we will never be the same. I realized through this, that I was still angry from the 3rd miscarriage. I was still angry from the 2nd miscarriage. I was even still angry from the 1st miscarriage. And as I heard the question asked of me once again: "Will you serve Me NO MATTER WHAT?" This time I wasn't so sure of my answer. That's when I realized. Something has to change. The walls HAVE to come down. Starting now.

I will be writing throughout my trip. Please pray for me. Please pray for us.

I don't want to come back the same.
I want to fall in love all over again, and by that I mean IN LOVE by my own choice, not because it is what I've always been taught to believe, or what I learned in Sunday School. I want to KNOW 100% when the question that has haunted me for almost 3 years is asked again, that my answer will be without a doubt - YES.

If you have finished this post and don't know who Jesus Culture is, please google/youtube "Kim Walker - How He Loves" ...enough said :)