No Matter What?

Contrary to my previous post, I have no idea what will be happening to my blogs. I would like to somehow combine this one (baby cutler) and Joy Unspeakable into one blog. So until I figure out how to do that - I am going to double post.

This post will be difficult to write - for obvious reasons. I am going to preface that if you are pregnant, please note that this will most likely be a tough read, so I might even recommend skipping over, b/c the last thing you need filling your brain are my negative thoughts & experiences.OK.

I've always been one to a use a pen or keyboard to venture through my thoughts and feelings. I've filled many journals, and had several blogs over the years. And while I thought about keeping these thoughts private, I realized how much reading the journey of others has encouraged me over the years. So I'm putting myself out there.

Today should have been my "16 week" post. But this morning, a phone call from the Dr's office reminded me yet again that it's no longer the case. For those of you that don't know - hubby and I lost our baby last Tuesday. We now have 3 little perfect baby Cutlers in heaven, and I only picture them in the arms of Jesus.

I came home from work Monday afternoon to finish up some house cleaning and realized shortly after that I was bleeding. In a complete state of shock - I called the doctor on call. He, was of course no help, so I was left to "rest on my left side" until the next morning until myDr's office opened. The night progressively got worse, with more bleeding and then the cramping began. Hubby and I couldn't take it anymore so we went to the ER, which we soon realized was the worst idea known to man. We were told it would be at least a 6 hour wait until we were seen, so after that news we headed home to wait for the morning. That night was the most restless night I've had in a long time. I had a feeling in my gut that something was horribly wrong, but hubby, myself and almost everyone I know prayed and claimed otherwise. Tuesday morning brought us straight into ourDr's office, where Dr. S. came up to meet us. What I saw, heard & felt over the next 5 minutes are things that I wish could be permanently erased from my mind, heart & spirit. Dr. S. went over and over my uterus searching, searching, hoping, hoping for some good news to tell us. After about 2 minutes, I turned my head from the screen because I knew what I was about to hear was not good. As tears fell from my face, I begged God - to PLEASE, just please let the baby move. But - there was nothing. Just a still screen, with the smallest most little picture of our baby. Dr. S. wanted to do an internal ultrasound, just to check one more time. So I prayed, one last time for a miracle, but we were told there was no heartbeat, and that our baby had passed away sometime within the last week. Just as shocked as we were, our doctor talked us through everything, and he scheduled us for a D&C that morning. By 1:00, I was awake from surgery and had made it home....but - I wasn't pregnant anymore. Dr. S. confirmed over and over again, that we did nothing to cause this. He even said this loss had nothing to do with our previous miscarriages.

Then Why? Why us? Why again? Why take this away when we weren't even trying anyway? I've asked "why" so many times over the past week, I can't anymore. I am hurt, angry, confused, and struggling to understand a lot of things right now. I am longing to feel the "peace of God that passes all understanding", I want to feel the God that is "close to the broken-hearted", I want to talk to the God that "is Love" I want Him to know how upset that I am. I know that He is the God who "gives and takes away", I know that He doesn't give us more than we can handle, I know that His ways are higher than mine", I know that he has promised trials, I know all of this..... but nothing is covering this wound enough to take the pain away. I am at a loss. I am numb. I am angry.... and I am scared that I'm going to stay that way. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to doubt, I don't want to let this define me, but at the core of who I am - I find myself questioning God. "Are You really good?" "What purpose could You possibly have in this?" "What did we do wrong?"

The questions are never-ending and the hurt is indescribable.

I guess I am just at a place where I need the actual arms of my Savior to reach down and take hold of me - because I don't know what else could work right now. If you have followed my journey to now, you know that we have had our ups and downs. We had 2 early miscarriages before our pregnancy with Isaak. He is our miracle - which has been my glimmer of joy over the past week. I look at him and have to be reminded what God has already done. And if you read our story HERE, you will see that I have already committed to pull through, before knowing what my future would hold. I committed to serve an all-powerful God, to claim His name, and to make His Glory known above all else.... I said that I would commit to stand my ground on the solid rock of Jesus Christ...... "No Matter What!"

At the time, I had no idea that the "what" would be this awful....but I have to praise Him - right?
If only I knew how...