Good times

We had a great memorial day and spent time in the sun with some good friends. My kiddo was a fish, the food was great, and I'm caught up on all the vitamin D I'll need for awhile.

Enjoy a few pics!

Be blessed.

Recent stirrings

I know you all are on the edge of your seats, anxious to know what’s been stirring in my soul lately. Well, even if you’re not on the edge of your seat, I’m going to share it anyway. And I’ll try to keep my thoughts together, but it might be a little messy, perhaps a bit heavy – and as it has been lately, a little challenging to digest.

So read on if you will…

1. In the waiting, is it possible to miss the beauty of ‘now’?

I saw this little guy chillin’ in our garden a few weeks ago.

So fresh looking, but not ready. So I waited.

Everyone knows the red ones are the ones to pick. They’re the juiciest… the sweetest… and the uses are endless. A few days passed and no sign of red, so I moped back inside to wait some more. Well, later that afternoon I heard a rush of excitement barrel in the back door and Isaak came running over - eyes wide and happy to show me his discovery.

“LOOK MOM!!!! A TODATO!!! (aka tomato)  There it was, off the vine, in all its green glory.

“Isaak NO!!!!” I said, “It’s not ready, we ONLY pick the red ones!”

His head dropped and I could see the tears well up in his eyes, and before he could apologize, daddy chimed in from the other room:  “It’s ok, let’s just slice it up and fry it”.

So we did. And it was the most delicious fried green tomato I’ve had in a long time.

Suddenly, I felt like I was that bright green tomato. Somehow, I’ve planted myself on a vine of waiting - just hoping that one day, a little hew of red will start to show through and give me a sense of purpose. On some days, I feel like that purpose is a pregnancy fully experienced with the outcome being another little bundle of 6 lb goodness placed in my arms to live and not die.   And so I’ve stood un-moved, unable to see any usefulness in the ‘right now’. But while a bright red, sweet and tasty tomato might be the ultimate desire, what about now?  Does a purpose still exist right now? in the waiting?

This is ‘my’ right now.
Today.  

And whether on the vine or not, there IS purpose... and ya know what??? ...green might not be such a bad color anyway.

2. What about a gym for the heart and soul?

So, I've been pretty proud of myself lately. About 6 weeks ago, I started a new routine in the mornings.

5:00am. 
get up.  
put on workout clothes. 
go to gym. 
work out. 
shower. 
go to work.

Repeat 3x a week!  Success!

I was feeling great, it was such a good thing for me.  We were on vacation, so I haven't been in a week, but something hit me the other day... call it conviction – I don't care, but I thought to myself:

“What good is a physically fit body if my ‘heart and soul’ are out of shape?”

Instantly, I thought about how I’ve had no problem jumping out of bed to make it to the gym each day to burn calories, but I still drag my feet at the thought of spending that early time with my Creator! And this verse came back to mind:

“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” I Timothy 4:8

BAM!!! That ton of bricks hit me hard. So I did a quick priority check and realized that I need to be checking in to a gym for my heart and soul first and foremost.  The rest has a way of falling into place. So I’m thinking about taking that same commitment that I held to for 6 weeks straight and switching to a different kind of work-out… a spiritual one of sorts - and in those early hours of time set apart, I pray my soul is strengthened and that I grow closer to a Creator who deserves my all my attention anyway.

3. Praying my ‘anything’ prayer.

Lately, I’ve felt that God has been calling me to a place of laying down everything, and to a place of being ok with anything.  I believe that calling is over my family too, not just me - but, it starts with ME… if that makes sense?!? So much stuff gets in the way of seeing things the way they really are, and letting God have control in my life FULLY – not just partially.  I know that He’s always asked me to lay my worry down, but I’ve always just replied with the excuse: “Well, God, that’s easier said than done.”  Then today, I came across a blog post about a book that I MUST READ. It’s called: “Anything: The prayer that unlocked my God and My Soul”

(Book summary)  Safe. Comfortable. Happy. Words we all love. Feelings we want. Even crave. We may love God, but being that he's invisible, words like comfortable seem to feel better faster.
We are all chasing something. Our hearts were made to run hard and fast after things that move us. But as a generation we are all beginning to stir and wake up, identifying that these words don't satisfy for long, especially when compared to God. If God is real, and we are going to live with Him forever, shouldn't He be everything?
Caught in this familiar haze of worldly happiness and empty pursuits, Jennie Allen and her husband Zac prayed a courageous prayer of abandonment that took them on an adventure God had written for them. "God, we will do anything. Anything,"

I want to be at that place. I want to pray my ‘anything prayer’.  And I want to mean it.  With my whole heart.  No matter what.

4. When a prayer has been answered… acknowledge it.

I have a tendency to brush by daily answered prayers in my life in search of the answers to the BIG ones. It can be easy to forget the little prayers answered, but really… isn’t any prayer answered, just that??? A PRAYER ANSWERED!!!  I've learned a lot about that during my recent journey through the book: “One Thousand Gifts”…but the other day I literally cried in thanks of an answer to prayer that I’d failed to recognize.  I began thinking about the relationships in my life, and how blessed I’ve been recently to be surrounded by some amazing God-loving women who have been in the trenches with me, who have celebrated with me, spoken truth to me, and in the middle of the confusing-ugly-mess have not given up on me, even on the hardest days.  For example:

A couple weeks ago, I sat next to a friend of mine during some prayer and worship, and for over an hour we both just sat there, not a word was spoken. Tears fell, God was moving… in her – in me, we worshiped our Savior along side of each other and neither of us felt the need to explain, to apologize, to speak or to leave, we just sat there. And as I recalled that night, a feeling of immense gratitude welled up in me because for years I PRAYED FOR THAT!!!!  I prayed for godly, genuine relationships. Don’t believe me?  Read this excerpt from a blog I posted 3 years ago…

"One thing I have been praying for is for relationships of accountability… times to be REAL. I need that commitment, vulnerability, and some other women too, but when I put it all together in my mind, it get's to be too much.... so I just shut it off.” -Me

But you know what? He heard my cry… and three years later God knew exactly who I would need to navigate through some of the toughest days. Thank you Lord!! Thank you.

5. Help me believe.

I was talking with one of my friends the other day and we were talking about how it seems so easy to believe for other people, but when it comes to a breakthrough needed in our own lives, we absolutely struggle to believe and have faith.

-My brother has called me to pray for mercy, and I believed wholeheartedly for that mercy, and I just knew God would come through. He did!
-I’ve had friends ask for prayer for miracles, and I just knew in my heart that God would provide, and He did!

-I’ve believed for co-workers, for family, for friends, for strangers because I knew in my heart that I serve a God who is Good and is BIG.

But why???? – why in my own circumstances – do I shrink Him down to a God of chance, a God who might hear me, a God who will answer if I have my junk together?

Lord, help me to believe the same big things for my own life.  Please.

Be blessed.

Quote of the day, Voskamp style.

"Look at the clock!  Look around!  Name just one gift from his Hand right now!" -Ann Voskamp

Here's mine:

What's yours...?

Be blessed.

Help me to sing

"Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing hallelujah."
-Bethany dillon

Be blessed.

out of my hands

I sit here this morning just wishing there was a button that I could push to turn off the thoughts and the worry and the confusion in regards to things that I cannot control. My mind runs in endless circles trying to figure out why people ruin the lives of others to fulfill their own selfish desires, why some seek to thrive and create and stir up drama in every single aspect of their life, why evil is allowed to run rampant on this earth, and why there’s not anything I can do to change it.

So the only thing I can do is remind myself that at the end of all my 'why’s', I can only control ‘me’ – and last I checked, my list of inadequacies and short-comings are quite lengthy…so I should start with that.

And I pray – just pray for peace, because I need a heavy dose of it. And pray that somehow I can pry my own hands open to let go of this junk that I CANNOT change.

“I am a mighty God. Nothing is too difficult for Me.


…do not measure the day’s demands against your strength. What I require of you is to stay connected to ME, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.


I am not a careless God. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.

-Jesus Calling 5/14

Luke 1:37, 2 Cor 12:9

Be blessed.



an anniversary of sorts :)

Four months ago today I received a kick in the boo-tay in written form. I was challenged to give my family's future over to God and stop carrying around that burden. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart that God heard my cries and has begun a sweet healing process in this very broken heart of mine. I spent two years of my life in depression, believing a lie that my body was meant to miscarry life and nothing else. And while I have no clue if I will ever give birth to life again - I feel like I have received a healing far greater - the ability to give glory to God for what I DO have - and to know that when it comes to the MAIN things, I'm set: I've been saved from a pit, the enemy has been defeated, and I am loved by a Creator who IS bigger than my circumstances. That's all.

Be blessed.

Fear... being real... and a glass half-full.

Last week I sat on a panel with 4 other lovely ladies during our monthly women’s meeting at my church.  I had a chance to introduce myself, and I briefly touched on the fact that God has dealt with me A LOT about letting go of my ‘5-year plans'.  I also mentioned the miscarriages and how they have played a huge part in the shaping my life over the past few years.  We spent about an hour tossing around different topics that women can deal with on a day-to-day basis, and it was a beautiful discussion.  Honestly,  I would have been happy to have left it just at that.

BUT... something happened immediately after the meeting that I'll never forget… A young lady came up to me as I walked off stage, and before the first word even came out of her mouth I could already see the burden she was carrying.  She looked at me and asked softly:  

“I was just wondering... how did you get through your pregnancy with your son without being afraid?”  

Her words took me back to countless moments spent inside those worry filled shoes. She was pregnant following a long and painful journey.  Tears filled up my eyes, and in my heart I just prayed: “Lord, give me the words to say.”  We had an open heart discussion, we both cried, then we prayed, and then she was gone… but I haven't been able to shake what happened to me that night, and I really felt like I needed to write it out.

1. Conquering fear is NOT a one-time thing. (Romans 4:18)

I wanted a quick and easy answer to the question that she asked me.  I desperately wanted it for her.  I wanted it for ME. But the truth is - sometimes, overcoming fear has to be a daily thing - or maybe even an hourly thing.  I can remember like it was yesterday, sitting at my desk, 6.5 weeks pregnant with Isaak, and a painful twinge in my stomach sent me into a fit of fear that took out my entire day like a tornado on a rampage.  It was at that moment that I cried out to God for help - and began writing down the promises. Every promise I could think of.  Every scripture that I could get my hands on about overcoming fear.  I wrote it all down and read it over and over and over and over again.  That piece of paper was worn to shreds as I neared the end of my third trimester with my son.

The days of overcoming fear came back to mind as I talked with her.  So... all I knew to tell her was to cling to the promises of God, and to celebrate until she had a reason not to.  I told her to give herself a new start each day - if Wednesday was a day gripped by fear, then get up Thursday and grab on to the new mercies and try again.

2.  Being real can be eternally worth it.  (Ezekiel 37:1-10)

I went into that night a bit nervous at the thought of sitting on any kind of panel.  But I remember praying that God would have His way.  And that He did.  I just couldn't help but wonder... if I wouldn't have taken that 45 seconds to share a glimpse of my painful story, that young lady may not have had anything to relate to that night. 

What God-moments perhaps are missed if we stay quiet?
What healing tears don't fall if we don't proclaim glory in the pain?  

I know of several specific moments in my life that were shaped into hope because of the risk someone else took to be real.  The raw moments in life - the ones that unfold in a way that only God can redeem - the miraculous that comes from a mess.... those types of things - when shared out loud - have a way of gripping the heart of those in a mess themselves.  Now, don't misunderstand me, it's nothing about me or my words, but perhaps God using the vulnerability to ignite a spark of hope.  Even from the seemlingly hopeless.  

...which brings me to what was captivated me the most:

3.  The glass can always be half-full… IF we choose to see it. (John 16:2)

You know what surprised me the most about the question that girl asked me?  In all that I shared - the 6 miscarriages, the pain, the questions - all of it... you know what she mentioned?  

NOT the loss of life, 

NOT the miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage, 

NOT the hopelessness, or the pity... 

She mentioned MY SON.  She saw through all that pain and saw my son, she saw MY miracle... Friends - she saw the one pregnancy that did NOT end in death.

I don't know if you understand how huge that was for me!!  As we talked, I kept thinking in my mind: 

"Doesn't she realize that I've had 6 miscarriages?  I'm not really the one to be talking to when you're pregnant... I mean, seriously... I don't really have a good track record here, and, in fact, I've been known to be avoided by pregnant people in case a miscarriage can be contagious...  What could I possibly say to give her any hope with what I have experienced?"

...Oh she knew - she heard the words as soon as they came out of my mouth.  "I have a three year old living son."  And it was enough for her to think my story had hope.  I was honored to the point of tears as I laid my hands on her and prayed for the life in her womb.  I prayed for her, and BELIEVED for her that the same chance to give birth to life would come true for her.

So I say to you this: 

if your life seems to be marked by hopelessness,
if the check marks are adding up on the sucky side of life,
if Satan has you convinced that your life is marked by pain,
if you've bought into the lie that you've got nothing left...

I challenge you - as hard as it may seem (because I know it can be hard)... look a bit deeper... there is a miracle.  There is ALWAYS a miracle - we just have to choose to acknowledge it.

I'd venture to say that night encouraged my heart more than it possibly could hers.  It surely did.

Be blessed.