1. Let's start out with the obvious, I am very pregnant indeed. 39 weeks. My countdown says I have 7 days to go. Will I make it the full 7 days? Will it be longer? Will it be tomorrow? Eeeeks I don't know. But it's a fascinating wait nonetheless. A wait I haven't done before. With Isaak I was induced so we packed our bags and had a time we knew to check in and be ready. With Jude, well you all know how that went down, way too early and way too unprepared. I will not dare say how I think this one will happen - because I have learned by now that things rarely go as I plan. So... I'm doing the best I can with what I know and praying that God will handle the rest. I am extremely uncomfortable at this point. Swollen, congested, constantly sore and not sleeping a wink, but as long as it's helping this little guy fatten up and be ready - I'll endure for just a little bit longer. :)
2. I had such an incredible day on Tuesday. A day that reminded me that I am still thought of, cared about and worth being checked on - even as chaotic as the world can be. See, I have tried my very hardest to keep my complaints to myself - because i know very well that things can be harder. But the last several days have been very hard on me. I don't know if it's the position of this little guy, my c-section scar, or just the what the last days of pregnancy are like, but I've been in a lot of pain. Some moments of the day I can hardly move, and the world doesn't stop because of it. Isaak has been sick, and Jude - well - he's Jude and needs to be held constantly, and so there are some moments I just rock him and cry at the same time because it hurts so bad and I just pray that my legs won't buckle. Anyway, I say all that to say - I've just kept telling myself to suck it up... I was made for this - I can do this - and I need to just push through.
Well - I get a message on Monday from a friend - who, long story short - told me that she felt like God told her to offer to clean my house. And as I read the message - my independent-don't-need-no-one-self started to immediately think of a kind way to tell her thanks for offering but that I was really ok. But the tears just started to fall as I finished reading the message, because the message read my mail - and so I let my pride fall and accepted her offer with all the gratitude I could muster up. And so, first thing Tuesday morning - love put into action showed up at my front door step - and when I say my house was cleaned, it was cleaned.. top to bottom, things that haven't been touched in so long. Things that my belly won't allow me to do right now. It was the most amazing gift.
Well that's not even all. Before my friend showed up at my house - another friend called me out of nowhere with a similar offer. She said that she wanted to help in any way possible, and felt like she needed to offer. So as my house is being cleaned - and my heart was being blessed - my cup started running over even more. Another friend came over and helped with my kids, spent the afternoon telling me to sit down and brought us an amazing dinner. When the day was all said and done, I just sat back and cried again because I felt like God was showing me as clear as possible that I am loved - I am worthy of receiving a blessing - and open hands aren't always as scary as life tells us they are. Amazing things can be received when we open our hands and allow others in.
3. Marriage is such a roller coaster. If you know our family at all - you know very well that we are indeed far from perfect - and even farther from being an ideal model married couple. It's always been that way. I will still gag a little when I hear of married couples who have gone decades without letting the sun go down on their anger or have never experienced a night on the couch. But I will say this... With all its imperfections, ugly moments, selfish moments, and crazy worn out moments - I am still 110% confident in the decision of who I chose to spend my life with. I know that I don't owe this explanation to anyone - but I wanted to write it out for me. Because sometimes, I forget to be thankful. But I am thankful for the man who chose me, who chose to put up with me, who chose to fight for our family, for the completion of our family. I am so incredibly thankful for his sense of humor, for his energy, for his smile, his desire to protect me and provide for our family. I am so so grateful that he doesn't back down from what he believes in, and that he does things with his whole heart, that he will admit when he's wrong and for his heart for worship. And while he has his moments, our jokes of his crazy 10 o clock ways, and his over honest opinions, and his visionary spirit - the fact is WE are a team. And it's a package deal. Our family comes all packaged together. You don't get me without him and vice versa. AND I DON'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY. I wouldn't ever want to do this life without him.
4. I've always said if I ever had the genie and the three wishes deal handed to me, one of my wishes would be to experience life not caring what other people think about me. I know, random. But it's true. I wish I could experience a little of life without that constant need to please running through me. Imagine a world where I don't wonder if I've offended yet again, if I've disappointed yet again, a world where the number of facebook likes were useless and hurtful comments didn't exist. A world where I measured up without over thinking it - and confidence came naturally - without all the comparison, back biting and one upping. I know that world doesn't exist, but I wish it did. Perhaps I need a good pep talk haha, or just some balanced hormones - but if a box of self-confidence showed up on my door step topped with a bow - i'd grab it in a heart beat. I guess until then - I'm ok with just being a work in progress. :)
5. Speaking of being a work in progress - I've been practicing by truly enjoying the last trimester of my pregnancy. I've spent many weeks shying away from truly enjoying these miraculous moments out of fear of it hurting someone else. See - I was on the other side of that fence for a while as we dealt with our miscarriages. I lived in that world where every announcement broke my heart again, every belly picture reminded me that my body didn't work, every baby delivered was a new wound for me. And even though I wish I could go back and not have allowed other peoples joys to pierce me in that way - the fact is - it was just my own pain, my hurt - and I can't change it - I can only be thankful that God saw me through and out of it. So as I strive for my own bout of self-confidence, I am working on clinging to my own joy - because these miracles - I fought for. I bled for, I saw and passed and pushed out death 6 times - 6 HORRIFIC TIMES to experience the life moving in me right now. And I AM NOT SORRY FOR IT NOW. I will not discount the healing I have experienced - because the truth is - those that want to celebrate with me WILL, and they have - and they have been my lifeline - but I also need to be able to confidently celebrate in my own way too. There is a way to celebrate and still have compassion in regards to the road I walked and the fact that the road is walked by others too. God show me the way.
Well - this post could have perhaps been very hormone driven - but oh well - my life is hormone driven right now, so thank God it's my blog and I can say what I want. :)
I look forward to my next post being an announcement to you all of the arrival of a beautiful baby boy. I can't wait to meet him. I can't wait for you all to meet him too.
6 hours ago